If you have hurt someone, controlled someone, frightened someone, crossed someone’s sexual boundaries, used violence, manipulated a partner or repeatedly blamed someone else for your behavior, this page is a place to begin learning. Understanding your behavior does not excuse it. Understanding it is part of changing it. People can change. But change begins with honesty.
Abuse is not always physical. Harmful behavior can include physical violence, sexual coercion, intimidation, threats, stalking, controlling finances, monitoring technology, isolation, manipulation, coercive control, destroying property, using children to maintain control or repeatedly ignoring another person’s boundaries.
If you have sexually harmed someone, do not pressure the person to forgive you. Do not ask them to keep what happened secret. Do not contact them repeatedly to explain yourself. Do not attempt to convince them that what happened wasn’t that bad. Do not blame alcohol, drugs, anger, attraction or the other person’s behavior for your choices.
Accountability begins when you stop asking, “How can I prove I’m not a bad person?” and start asking, “What do I need to change so I never hurt someone this way again?”
People may learn harmful relationship behaviors from family, culture, past experiences, peers, relationships or beliefs about power, gender and entitlement. Trauma, substance use, mental health concerns, anger and emotional dysregulation may also affect a person’s behavior.
But none of these things make another person responsible for your choices. A reason is not an excuse. Real accountability sounds different from an excuse. Choosing to make this change within yourself is the first step.
Finding information about yourself may bring up difficult emotions. You may feel angry, embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, confused or overwhelmed. You may disagree with what you read, feel that the record does not tell the whole story or wish the information were not there. Those feelings are real, and you are allowed to have them.
What you do with those feelings matters. If seeing your information has made you stop and think about your choices, let that moment be a beginning. You cannot change what has already happened. But you can choose what you do next.
You do not have to figure this out alone. Consider seeking a professional, educate yourself, and find resources to help yourself.
Batterer Intervention Programs
The National Domestic Violence Hotline and other specialized domestic violence intervention programs are specifically designed to address abusive behavior, accountability, power and control and healthier relationship patterns.
Stop It Now
For people concerned about sexual behavior involving children, visit Stop It Now! for more information.
Embodied Healing
Learn how trauma can affect the body, brain, nervous system, relationships, and behavior—and explore tools for understanding yourself and building healthier ways of responding at Embodied Healing
Remember: You change the past. You cannot undo what happened. You cannot control how another person remembers it. You cannot require forgiveness. You cannot erase consequences. But you can decide what you do next. You can learn. You can take responsibility. You can seek help. You can respect boundaries. You can stop blaming others for your choices. You can choose change.
This page is dedicated to two men who caused profound harm through violence and sexual abuse, yet eventually reached a place where they acknowledged their behavior and made amends — one near the end of his life and the other through a process that continued after his death. Their actions cannot be undone, and making amends does not erase the harm they caused. But their stories remind us that people can recognize what they have done, take responsibility and choose to change. Neither had access to the education, resources or intervention programs. This page is dedicated to the people who do not like the person they have become, who recognize that their behavior is harmful and who genuinely want to change.
These stories will be reviewed by our team before being published.
